Madness in its final hour

Oh yes, do you ever wonder what it is like to feel as though you were going mad? Well I will tell you. Sometimes it is seeing yourself in the mirror but thinking it is someone else. Other times it is sitting at your desk and feeling like the walls are closing in on you. You can't breathe. You can't think. But you think too much.

I am so tired of this. Tonight I don't know if I could have kept up my mask of normalcy around other people. It is what it is but I try to hide it.

I don't think I could have for that 20 or so minutes that I thought I would lose it. I wanted to ball up in a corner. Not to cry, I have no tears anymore. I am numb except to feel fear and adoration of my children.

I thought about my best friend. She is more like a sister, in fact she is exactly like a sister to me. I thought about when we get older. Will I be able to take care of her? Will she look out for me? I can't imagine growing old without her. It sounds like I am in love with her, but she is a soulmate not a lover type for me. This is the one person who I feel most myself around. She understands and we don't judge each other no matter what.

So my ascent from darkness was thinking of us as little old ladies. And not regular old ladies. We will be the ones in the nursing home talking about the hot young orderlies.

While that is all fine and dandy I still hate the paranoia that overcomes me sometimes. The detachment. All of it.

I think about going back to work, but what would happen if I freaked out like that at work? I have been severely paranoid at work on more than one occasion. I have thought someone was looking at me too hard, thought they were talking trash about me. I secluded myself and made very little contact with my co workers. I read books during lunch so I wouldn't be bothered. But I don't think could have handled it if I had been at work tonight.

Wondering if I didn't overdo it today. I went out to lunch with my best friend. We talked and it was okay. Then I went and did a layaway for the kids Christmas presents. Still was okay, somewhat better than the last time I went out Christmas shopping last week. But tonight, holy hell I felt like I was going to fucking lose it. Oh, I went to the grocery store tonight too.

I had an image of me driving off of the bridge on the way to the grocery store. I do not WANT these thoughts. But I laughed to myself, for some reason I found it humorous. I hate when those thoughts pop up. They scare me, and yet they occupy my mind.

I try to occupy my mind at all times. If I do this then the scary thoughts are less frequent. They still happen but at a much slower pace. That is something that I can deal with. It isn't fun but it isn't... I don't know how to describe it.

Took 4 benadryl tonight to help me sleep. It somewhat worked last night. I still woke up SEVERAL times but there was improvement.

I am going to be really low key tomorrow. I think I need it.