I know what it is

I am afraid. Afraid to feel happy. Afraid to feel sad. So I don't allow myself to feel.

I make a point to stay away from people. I try to push them away.

See, I have been happy. And even at my happiest I was miserable. What's the point? I can't live like normal people do. I can't love like they do because I am not a whole person. I am just sometimes me. And sometimes something else, which I am more often than I am "me". People fall in love with the me I am occasionally. I love that me too. ....

Something always pulls me down into myself. I see everything in grey. I choose to be numb. Or the numbness finds me, it just depends on how far I have descended into the darkness.

Sometimes have been wonderful. I have been extremely successful in college classes. I have had a wonderful career where my employers love me. I have been happy to put on my clothes and shoes and feel sexy as a bitch as I walked out of the door. I have had friends who I made laugh.

I have had a husband who fell in love with me.

I have been divorced. I have been so mentally sick that I felt like I couldn't go into work. I have been a bad parent. I have pushed away the man that loves me, and yet he keeps coming back.

I have looked in the mirror and felt like there were demons inside. I have watched someone look at me and assumed that they hated me and wanted to hurt me. I have had music and thoughts swirl around in my head and not be able to stop them. I have self injured. I still enjoy one of my compulsions so much that I do everything in my power to cover it up.

This is my life. I love me, and I hate me. I realize I can do no one person any good most of the time, but maybe I can give them something to laugh about on one of my good days. But I am not a good friend. I am not dependable. I fall into my abyss and push everyone away.

I lie. I get through life on cheat codes.