Insomnia

And here I sit, unable to sleep.

Kind of used to it now, but it still frustrates me. Why won't my brain just turn off? GRRRR, I am going to be so tired in the morning.

Depression

Here's how I feel.

I am boring

So he asked me "What would make you happy?" I stared around the room, it was awfully cozy. Everything about it was cozy, the soft couches and chairs. The lighting. The man staring at me from across the room.

I had no words except "I don't really know. I can't think of a single thing. Except my children, they make me happy."

I do nothing. I have nothing.

I am applying for disability because my symptoms are becoming worse as the days go by.

The trich has gotten better, at least there is that. I only had one slip up this week.

But I am not happy. Surprise.

So sensitive

So I did my best friends taxes for her today and she freaked the fuck out because she didn't get as much back as she thought she was going to. I was all happy when I called her too after I finished and she was like "What? That's all?" And she was such a bitch. I was so upset, heartbroken, pissed. No thank you for doing her taxes, just going off about how she made more last year.

Fuck her. And then fuck me because my dumb ass called and apologized for not letting her know how much she was getting back before I transmitted it. Why the fuck did I apologize? Maybe because I need her support, which she is usually pretty good about.

Fuck it, I have a screwed up brain and I can't help that. It is what it is. I get overly sensitive when I feel as though I am being ridiculed. SO part of it is my part for freaking out inwardly because I shouldn't have. The other part wants me to tell her to go FUCK herself for being such an ungrateful bitch. I didn't have to do her taxes and I sure as fuck didn't charge her for it.

Anyways.

I am on new meds. Who knows if they will help. Nothing else has. It's just another fucking day in paradise every single day. And if you don't get me here, that's sarcasm.

At least I have my family. They love me. That's what makes me happy right now.

It didn't take long

I have never known pms to be long lasting. So this shit is either anxiety or severe pms. But I feel like I want to cry half the fucking time. The other half I feel overwhelmed. Went down on my meds. Well okay let's be honest. I stopped taking them because they made me wired. But I took them today.

Anyways, it didn't take long for me to feel like I was going to flip my fucking lid. Depressed. Just like before. Wonder fucking ful. I am so tired of it. I really am.

I wanted to cry friday night. I felt bad all day sunday and had to be by myself, overwhelmed. Today I feel like I need to disconnect and I feel weepy. SO fucking tired of it.

I hate my chemicals or whatever the fuck is in my head that makes me like this. I didn't even want dbf to visit. Just felt irritated in general. Kids irritated me. Mom irritated me. All of them made me feel anxious. ARGH GOD DAMNIT I need to scream.

MMMM. That's all I got for tonight. Life still fucking sucks. Amen.

Trichotillomania

It starts with grabbing two or three hairs. Slightly pulling... and maybe winding the hairs around your finger. Then you pull them out, sometimes gently and other times with fervor. Sometimes it is more than two or three. Other times it is one at a time.

After the pull you get the URGE to keep going. Your scalp itches for it, literally screaming to you to pull more on this side of your head. Over here... rub the scalp to find the right spot. And then pull again. And again. Suddenly you have a clump of hair on the floor.

I started very young, maybe at age 8 or 9. Not even really sure to be honest. I do remember my mom freaking out about the bald spots and taking me to the pediatrician. I feigned ignorance, but I knew I was busted. The doctor didn't seem to care and just prescribed me a cream to put on the bald places.

I stopped for awhile. I always stop for awhile. Years sometimes.

Now it is back in full force, for maybe the last 8 months or so. I don't want to stop, it is a release.

Never knew this was considered OCD behavior. We all joke and say we have OCD about things, but pulling is not one you ever think of. Didn't even know it had a name until the internet. God Bless Google for that one.

I do this mostly when I am anxious or depressed. It is not always mood related, maybe 60% of the time. I want to pull right not.

I also pick endlessly at the scabs that form. I dig at my scalp sometimes until it bleeds.

Am I a fucked up person? Oh yes, assuredly. But there are some things about this that I can dig, and the hair pulling is one of them. I have tons of hair and hide it well.

To end this I will describe the final section to my hair pulling. I get the hair and inspect the ends that were in my scalp. Some of them come out with the whitish clear shaft. Those are like little prizes. I scrape the shaft between my finger and thumbnail to remove the shaft. I inspect it and then flick away the shaft and toss the hair. The end, until the next hair.

New meds

So I had my Psychiatrist appointment today. It went pretty well. He asked me what I had done for medication in the years since I had last seen him. I felt like it was an inquisition of sorts, lol.

He took me off of the Seroquel and Citalopram. I now have Abilify, Trazadone and Pristiq.

Hoping for the best.

Kind of scared to take new meds though. I have taken some that were horrid for me. The side effects were just too much to handle. So I am anxious, in a scared way.

Also my mom wants me to go on a trip with her this weekend. Trying to see if the flight has last minute cancellations and then we can get me a seat on the plane. I am scared to death to try these new meds while on a short vacation. I am also scared to death to be around so many people. What if my anxiety kicks in full gear? And then there's the kids, making arrangements for them for three days. This is all contingent upon me even being able to get a last minute seat. I am on the waiting list though, so fingers crossed. Sort of.