It didn't take long

I have never known pms to be long lasting. So this shit is either anxiety or severe pms. But I feel like I want to cry half the fucking time. The other half I feel overwhelmed. Went down on my meds. Well okay let's be honest. I stopped taking them because they made me wired. But I took them today.

Anyways, it didn't take long for me to feel like I was going to flip my fucking lid. Depressed. Just like before. Wonder fucking ful. I am so tired of it. I really am.

I wanted to cry friday night. I felt bad all day sunday and had to be by myself, overwhelmed. Today I feel like I need to disconnect and I feel weepy. SO fucking tired of it.

I hate my chemicals or whatever the fuck is in my head that makes me like this. I didn't even want dbf to visit. Just felt irritated in general. Kids irritated me. Mom irritated me. All of them made me feel anxious. ARGH GOD DAMNIT I need to scream.

MMMM. That's all I got for tonight. Life still fucking sucks. Amen.

Trichotillomania

It starts with grabbing two or three hairs. Slightly pulling... and maybe winding the hairs around your finger. Then you pull them out, sometimes gently and other times with fervor. Sometimes it is more than two or three. Other times it is one at a time.

After the pull you get the URGE to keep going. Your scalp itches for it, literally screaming to you to pull more on this side of your head. Over here... rub the scalp to find the right spot. And then pull again. And again. Suddenly you have a clump of hair on the floor.

I started very young, maybe at age 8 or 9. Not even really sure to be honest. I do remember my mom freaking out about the bald spots and taking me to the pediatrician. I feigned ignorance, but I knew I was busted. The doctor didn't seem to care and just prescribed me a cream to put on the bald places.

I stopped for awhile. I always stop for awhile. Years sometimes.

Now it is back in full force, for maybe the last 8 months or so. I don't want to stop, it is a release.

Never knew this was considered OCD behavior. We all joke and say we have OCD about things, but pulling is not one you ever think of. Didn't even know it had a name until the internet. God Bless Google for that one.

I do this mostly when I am anxious or depressed. It is not always mood related, maybe 60% of the time. I want to pull right not.

I also pick endlessly at the scabs that form. I dig at my scalp sometimes until it bleeds.

Am I a fucked up person? Oh yes, assuredly. But there are some things about this that I can dig, and the hair pulling is one of them. I have tons of hair and hide it well.

To end this I will describe the final section to my hair pulling. I get the hair and inspect the ends that were in my scalp. Some of them come out with the whitish clear shaft. Those are like little prizes. I scrape the shaft between my finger and thumbnail to remove the shaft. I inspect it and then flick away the shaft and toss the hair. The end, until the next hair.

New meds

So I had my Psychiatrist appointment today. It went pretty well. He asked me what I had done for medication in the years since I had last seen him. I felt like it was an inquisition of sorts, lol.

He took me off of the Seroquel and Citalopram. I now have Abilify, Trazadone and Pristiq.

Hoping for the best.

Kind of scared to take new meds though. I have taken some that were horrid for me. The side effects were just too much to handle. So I am anxious, in a scared way.

Also my mom wants me to go on a trip with her this weekend. Trying to see if the flight has last minute cancellations and then we can get me a seat on the plane. I am scared to death to try these new meds while on a short vacation. I am also scared to death to be around so many people. What if my anxiety kicks in full gear? And then there's the kids, making arrangements for them for three days. This is all contingent upon me even being able to get a last minute seat. I am on the waiting list though, so fingers crossed. Sort of.

Starting to calm down

My mind is starting to calm down a bit, which is very good. The monsters are being kept at bay.

This doesn't mean things are perfect, far from it. But life is just a little bit less painful today. My best friend stopped by for morning coffee and chit chat and when I smiled and said "Good morning!" I really felt it inside. It is a good morning in comparison to many of my mornings.

Dr's appointment this week. Hopefully we can get my meds straight somehow. This is all trial and error, but hopefully we can get a med regimen that works for me.

I think getting a good night's sleep really helped too. I don't remember waking up one single time before the alarm went off. If I did, I simply do not recall. Sleep is such an important factor to my moods, which is very apparent considering my levelheadedness today versus other days.

Speaking of sleep, my significant other told me that I snore. Not constantly, but I snore enough to wake him up for a few seconds at a time. That leads me to wonder if I am not waking because of snoring? I really don't think so though because everytime he woke me over the weekend I didn't even realize I had snored.

How embarassing to be woken because of snoring.

So yay for what feels like a good day! And crossing fingers for many more.

Madness in its final hour

Oh yes, do you ever wonder what it is like to feel as though you were going mad? Well I will tell you. Sometimes it is seeing yourself in the mirror but thinking it is someone else. Other times it is sitting at your desk and feeling like the walls are closing in on you. You can't breathe. You can't think. But you think too much.

I am so tired of this. Tonight I don't know if I could have kept up my mask of normalcy around other people. It is what it is but I try to hide it.

I don't think I could have for that 20 or so minutes that I thought I would lose it. I wanted to ball up in a corner. Not to cry, I have no tears anymore. I am numb except to feel fear and adoration of my children.

I thought about my best friend. She is more like a sister, in fact she is exactly like a sister to me. I thought about when we get older. Will I be able to take care of her? Will she look out for me? I can't imagine growing old without her. It sounds like I am in love with her, but she is a soulmate not a lover type for me. This is the one person who I feel most myself around. She understands and we don't judge each other no matter what.

So my ascent from darkness was thinking of us as little old ladies. And not regular old ladies. We will be the ones in the nursing home talking about the hot young orderlies.

While that is all fine and dandy I still hate the paranoia that overcomes me sometimes. The detachment. All of it.

I think about going back to work, but what would happen if I freaked out like that at work? I have been severely paranoid at work on more than one occasion. I have thought someone was looking at me too hard, thought they were talking trash about me. I secluded myself and made very little contact with my co workers. I read books during lunch so I wouldn't be bothered. But I don't think could have handled it if I had been at work tonight.

Wondering if I didn't overdo it today. I went out to lunch with my best friend. We talked and it was okay. Then I went and did a layaway for the kids Christmas presents. Still was okay, somewhat better than the last time I went out Christmas shopping last week. But tonight, holy hell I felt like I was going to fucking lose it. Oh, I went to the grocery store tonight too.

I had an image of me driving off of the bridge on the way to the grocery store. I do not WANT these thoughts. But I laughed to myself, for some reason I found it humorous. I hate when those thoughts pop up. They scare me, and yet they occupy my mind.

I try to occupy my mind at all times. If I do this then the scary thoughts are less frequent. They still happen but at a much slower pace. That is something that I can deal with. It isn't fun but it isn't... I don't know how to describe it.

Took 4 benadryl tonight to help me sleep. It somewhat worked last night. I still woke up SEVERAL times but there was improvement.

I am going to be really low key tomorrow. I think I need it.

I know what it is

I am afraid. Afraid to feel happy. Afraid to feel sad. So I don't allow myself to feel.

I make a point to stay away from people. I try to push them away.

See, I have been happy. And even at my happiest I was miserable. What's the point? I can't live like normal people do. I can't love like they do because I am not a whole person. I am just sometimes me. And sometimes something else, which I am more often than I am "me". People fall in love with the me I am occasionally. I love that me too. ....

Something always pulls me down into myself. I see everything in grey. I choose to be numb. Or the numbness finds me, it just depends on how far I have descended into the darkness.

Sometimes have been wonderful. I have been extremely successful in college classes. I have had a wonderful career where my employers love me. I have been happy to put on my clothes and shoes and feel sexy as a bitch as I walked out of the door. I have had friends who I made laugh.

I have had a husband who fell in love with me.

I have been divorced. I have been so mentally sick that I felt like I couldn't go into work. I have been a bad parent. I have pushed away the man that loves me, and yet he keeps coming back.

I have looked in the mirror and felt like there were demons inside. I have watched someone look at me and assumed that they hated me and wanted to hurt me. I have had music and thoughts swirl around in my head and not be able to stop them. I have self injured. I still enjoy one of my compulsions so much that I do everything in my power to cover it up.

This is my life. I love me, and I hate me. I realize I can do no one person any good most of the time, but maybe I can give them something to laugh about on one of my good days. But I am not a good friend. I am not dependable. I fall into my abyss and push everyone away.

I lie. I get through life on cheat codes.

Today. Tomorrow.

Every day is like the day before it. Yesterday has melted into today and tomorrow will be like today. Another long string of breathing. Hurrah.

Am I really sane and trying to trick myself into thinking I am insane? HAHA, no but of course that thought pops up now and again.

Just another day. Like yesterday. And tomorrow.

More bad sleep. I have just realized it is going to happen. Just like the night before, tonight and tomorrow night.

Swallowing pills but feeling as fucked up as ever. Take this one to help you sleep. Take this one so you won't feel depressed. How about a lottery pill? Or a wake up loving life pill?

Yeah, I could be rich if I came up with those, lol.

I hate wondering if people are talking about me. I hate wondering what they are thinking when they just look. I hate saying goodmorning to the same neighbor time and again but when I don't initiate it she doesn't either. I hate working around people because I know they think I am stupid, or slow, or lazy, or fat, or... weird.

Just another day. Same thoughts as yesterday, will be the same thoughts tomorrow.

Intrusive Thoughts

Wondering about these... how can you clinically say you have intrusive thoughts?

Is it the same as when you think "I wish it would all end" out of the blue? As in you didn't think it yourself, it just came to you but in a voice... sort of? This is hard to explain. I can be sitting there not feeling depressed or not feeling anything really and I will think "I wish I were dead". I will even be somewhat startled by the thought!

But then I will have this back and forth with myself... and something within myself. "But your kids need you" will start it off "Oh they seem pretty happy with your mom, maybe they would enjoy it better if you left them with her?"
"Oh no, mom can't handle them. I don't want to burden her. Besides, they would be devastated if you took your own life."
Other thing inside of me "But not for long. Besides, (son) could go live with his father and (daughter) would probably live with your aunt. She has a nice home and she is really a wonderful, nurturing person"
Me "Oh stop now. Besides, I might go to hell if I off myself. Perhaps I can get into heaven if I don't do it"
Other thing "Maybe. Maybe you are damned. Maybe there is no heaven."

And this can go on and on. It's really quite distressing.

It's not just suicidal talk though, in fact that is in the minority. I will have "conversations" in my mind that emotionally subdue me to the point that I may or may not be upset or completely over it based on how the conversation goes in my head. But it's not always me in the conversation. Sometimes it is other people and they are talking about me. That I can at least recognize as paranoia.

So, are these what intrusive thoughts are?

Let me add, I have music in my mind most of the time. This makes it hard to concentrate. Also distressing. Just thought I would add that.

Today is not a good day

I am taking my meds, but I feel breakthrough anxiety, depression and some unexplained anger.

Sleep is elusive right now. I can fall asleep, staying asleep is a different issue altogether. I wake up and HAVE to look at the alarm clock. This has become an obsession of sorts, counting backwards to when the last time I woke was. Very annoying, to say the least.

My sleep becoming erratic is almost always a sign of impending mania. But I don't feel manic. I feel flat, almost emotionless. Had a windfall of money yesterday so I was able to shop for the kids Christmas. I did it, but there was no joy in it. In fact, I felt nothing. Not happy, not overwhelmed. Just nothing.

Just realized this is going to my old email address. I wonder how that happened? Fucking wonderful. I don't really want to broadcast this to anyone who may have been a follower of this blog. It was supposed to be a new one. How the hell did that happen?

UGH!